in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
