hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
