I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
