I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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