The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just forgot I was standing up.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
