grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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