Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
