we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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