I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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