After last night, I could never be a politician.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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