I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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