hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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