I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He felt like a one man threesome
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
