You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
