At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
