I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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