I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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