I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Someone came in the potted fern
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
