I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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