By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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