i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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