if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the day after is always just damage control
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
