mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
