I wish they made helmets for livers.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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