The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
