sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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