No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
