I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
