she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
