Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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