That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
