just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
