I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I can't turn off my feet"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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