i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
