I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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