I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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