You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
