I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
