you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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