i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
