I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
