A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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