i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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