I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
