I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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