God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
