Quick, to the slutcave!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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