sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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