I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
