I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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